No Deposit Car Insurance (buy it HERE) and Pete the Paranoid Parrot

I rescued Pete the Parrot from the local animal shelter. He was brought into the facility because his previous owner said he was going to kill Pete if someone didn’t take him. I assumed the man was just a wacko, so I took Pete home and tried to make him a part of the family. It didn’t turn out as I planned.

Pete is the most paranoid $&%@# parrot in the world. Just look at him funny and he poops in his cage. Seriously, if you turn your head and look at him, he’ll *&^@% poop! Just by looking at him! I don’t know how the previous owner didn’t strangle Pete’s puny little paranoid neck. If you try talking to him, he’ll pass out. You know, fall over unconscious. Just pass out - because you TALKED to him!

I have to go to work each day because I sell no deposit car insurance. I like selling no deposit car insurance, but when I leave the house in the morning, Pete gets so worked up, I ‘m afraid he’s going to have a heart attack or something. I took him to the vet one time, but Pete just passed out and the Dr. said I should just put him out of his misery. He said he would do it for $100. Are you kidding me? Do you think I’m going to spend any money to put Pete down? I’d miss the pleasure of doing it myself.

I don’t really want to kill Pete. I didn’t adopt him so I could kill him. I thought it would be fun to have a parrot in the house. I imagined I would teach him to say things and to squawk when I walked into the room or something. I thought we would become pals. Nope, he’s a blithering idiot who’s scared of his own shadow. I can’t even touch him, let alone teach him to walk on a wire, or something.

As you can imagine, selling no deposit car insurance for a living can be tough. If someone already has a no deposit car insurance policy, they won’t buy another. That’s ok, there’s plenty of drivers around that need my help. To be honest, it’s been hard recently to give my all at the job. Stupid Pete is in the back of my mind 24 hours a day. Will he die today? Should I kill him myself today? All these really bad thoughts just spin in my brain nonstop. I think I’d better kill him tonight.

I decided I was going to poison ol’ Pete at dinner while he was busy pooping and passing out from my arrival. The only drugs I had were some old Valium. I crushed them up and put them in Pete’s bowl. Pete ate it right away and was instantly transformed into a normal, talented Parrot. I taught him the entire English language in just under a week. He takes 2 Valium each night now.

Accidents in the Middle Ages